Why the 5 Stages of Grief Are Misleading
The 5 stages of grief were never meant for the grieving. Learn why grief is not linear, explore contemporary frameworks like the Dual Process Model, and find better ways to understand your journey.
Lindsey McDonald
RCC
TL;DR
The famous 5 stages of grief were developed for terminally ill patients, not bereaved people. Stage theories created harmful myths that grief is linear and has a "right" way. Contemporary research shows grief is dynamic, flexible, and unique to each person.
- The stages were meant for terminal patients, not grieving survivors.
- Grief doesn't follow linear steps--it changes over time.
- No scientific evidence supports stage theories for bereavement.
- The Dual Process Model explains oscillation between loss and restoration.
- Your grief journey is valid without prescribed stages.
What Are the 5 Stages of Grief? (Origins and Misconceptions)
The stages--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance--originated in work with terminal patients. They were never intended to prescribe how bereaved people should grieve.
Why the Stages Were Never Meant for Grieving People
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's model described how people experience their own impending death. Its widespread use for bereavement happened later and was not her intent.
How Stage Theories Created Harmful Expectations About Grief
Stage theories can make people feel behind, broken, or "doing it wrong." Grief is not a checklist--it's a lived, changing experience.
What Contemporary Grief Research Actually Shows
Modern grief research shows grief is dynamic, flexible, and deeply individual. People move between emotions, sometimes hour to hour.
The Dual Process Model: A Better Framework for Grief
The Dual Process Model highlights oscillation between loss-focused and restoration-focused coping. Both are essential for healing.
The Spiral Staircase: What Grief Really Looks Like
Grief is better described as a spiral staircase--revisiting similar emotions at different times, but never in the exact same way.
FAQs
What are the 5 stages of grief?
The 5 stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They were developed for terminal patients facing their own death, not for bereaved people.
Is grief really a linear process with stages?
No. Contemporary research shows grief is non-linear and dynamic. You don't move through predictable stages in order.
What is the Dual Process Model of grief?
It's a contemporary framework showing that grieving involves oscillating between loss-oriented coping and restoration-oriented coping.
Why do people still believe in the 5 stages of grief?
The stages provide structure during confusing times and became embedded in culture and healthcare systems, even though they weren't meant for bereavement.
What's a better way to understand my grief process?
Think of grief as a spiral staircase or oscillation between loss and restoration. There's no 'right' order or timeline.
Did Elisabeth Kubler-Ross support using stages for grief?
No. She developed the stages for terminal patients, not for grieving survivors.
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About the author
Lindsey McDonald is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) in Kelowna, BC, specializing in grief, chronic illness, anxiety, and trauma-informed care. She offers in-person and virtual counselling across British Columbia.
Disclaimer: These blog posts are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for counselling or medical care.