Experiencing Loss for the First Time: 6 Things You Need to Know

Experiencing a loss or grief for the first time often feels like being thrown into the deep end of a pool without knowing how to swim. It can feel scary and all-consuming. We often feel alone in our experiences and unsure if what we feel is 'normal.' If you are questioning your experience, this is entirely normal.

If you're going through grief and loss for the first time, here are six essential things you should know:

1. Grief Isn't Just an Emotional Experience

Grief impacts every dimension of your life: physical, cognitive, relational, emotional and spiritual. Research is slowly catching up in our understanding that the emotional experience of grief greatly impacts every dimension of our lives.

Physical and Cognitive Effects of Grief

It is not uncommon to experience:

• Sleep disturbances and insomnia
• Changes in appetite (increased or decreased)
• Loss of ability to focus or concentrate
• Decreased motivation and energy
• Physical fatigue and exhaustion

The period after a loss can be highly stressful as you adjust to the loss, while also dealing with the aftermath, including estate and will matters, funeral planning, taxes, and closing your loved one's accounts.

2. Our Society Often Doesn't Know How to Hold Space for Those Grieving

Many people going through grief for the first time feel even more isolated in their experience due to how our society views and understands grief. We often don't understand what it is like to lose someone close to us and grieve this significant loss until we are in it.

Common Grief Myths in Society

Many assumptions and myths surrounding grief often lead people to believe that grief is something to "get over" or that there's a timeline for healing. These misconceptions can make your grief journey feel more isolating.

3. Grief Looks Different for Everyone

We each express and cope with grief in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Sometimes we can catch ourselves comparing our journey to others, believing we "should" be feeling a particular way. We can also experience judgments surrounding how we are choosing to grieve.

Your Unique Grief Journey

Your grief journey is uniquely yours, and just because it may look different from someone else's journey doesn't mean it is "wrong" or "bad."

4. There Is No Timeline for Grief

There is no timeline, marker, or linear path in grieving. Often, those grieving come to realize that part of adjusting to loss is creating space for grief in their life moving forward.

The Complexity of Grief Emotions

Individuals who are grieving often have moments of experiencing two emotions at once. You can experience a moment of joy AND experience sadness that your loved one isn't around to celebrate with you. If you have experienced a loss, you may understand the complexity of holding two truths at once.

5. The AND in Grief: Holding Contradictory Feelings

One of the most challenging aspects of grief is learning to hold space for contradictory emotions. You might find yourself laughing at a memory while simultaneously feeling deep sadness. This emotional complexity is completely normal and healthy.

Understanding Emotional Duality

Grief isn't black and white. You can feel:

• Grateful for memories AND sad they're gone
• Relief (in certain circumstances) AND guilt about that relief
• Hope for the future AND fear of moving forward
• Love for your lost one AND anger about the situation

6. Secondary Losses Can Be Just as Painful as the Loss Itself

When we lose a loved one, we quickly realize all the areas that are deeply impacted by the loss. Adjusting to the loss becomes an ongoing process as we encounter these secondary losses.

What Are Secondary Losses?

Secondary losses are things we lose due to losing our loved ones. These losses can include:

• Loss of relationships (mutual friends, in-laws)
• Loss of identity (no longer someone's spouse, parent of living child)
• Loss of financial security or stability
• Loss of traditions and holiday celebrations
• Loss of plans for the future you had together

The Ongoing Nature of Secondary Losses

One of the hardest parts of secondary losses is that not only can you experience multiple secondary losses, but they often occur months and years after the initial loss. Secondary losses add to the ongoing grieving process and can make adjusting to the loss all the more challenging.

Finding Support Through Your Grief Journey

Grief can be layered and complex. You don't have to go through the process alone. Grief counselling can help validate your experience and allow you to integrate the loss into your life.

Professional Grief Support in Kelowna

I offer grief and loss counselling in Kelowna, British Columbia. Don't hesitate to reach out if you need grief support without judgment.

Looking for grief and loss counselling in Kelowna or the Okanagan area? Book a complimentary 15-minute consultation call here.

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