What Are the Stages of Grief and Why It Isn't Helpful for the Grieving

If you have experienced loss, you may have at one point wanted to know a common question: Is what I am feeling and experiencing normal? Because grief is overwhelming and disorienting, we often search for answers to make sense of our experience. This is especially true if we are experiencing a loss for the first time.

When we are in a state of confusion and anguish, having something to anchor to, like the five stages of grief, often provides relief. However, some find the stages of grief to be limiting and create unrealistic expectations of what the grieving process truly looks like. Some have argued that the stages of grief and many stage theories that followed led to the various misunderstandings surrounding grief.

You may be asking, but how? Let's get into it below.

The Origins of the Five Stages Model

The 5 stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The stages theory was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. But what many people don't know is that Elisabeth's theory was meant for the dying, not the grieving.

The Original Purpose

She observed that patients diagnosed with a terminal illness seemed to experience a distinct sequence of emotions. Elisabeth herself has stated that the five stages were never meant to be applied to the experiences of those grieving. However, many stages of grief were developed following her theory, and many institutions, such as healthcare, adopted the five stages. Many other fields and studies have also applied the stages theory despite its lack of scientific evidence.

The Problems with Stage-Based Grief Models

The idea that each emotion was a separate experience and the label of 'stages' led to the belief that grief was a linear and straightforward process. It also unintentionally created the belief that there was a 'right' way to grieve.

Unrealistic Expectations

If you have ever been left wondering whether what you are feeling is right or that you should be farther along in your grief journey, it may be due to these unrealistic expectations. What we know now about grief is that:

• Grief is not a linear process
• Each person's journey looks different
• There is no one-size-fits-all guide to grief

This reality, while more accurate, doesn't soothe our anxious parts that want clear guidelines and predictable outcomes.

Modern Understanding: Contemporary Grief Theories

Contemporary theories of grief and loss now understand that the grief process is dynamic and flexible. Additionally, many theories now focus on the value of coping mechanisms and how the bereaved continue to maintain a bond with their loved one.

The Dual Process Model

One contemporary theory for understanding grief is the Dual Process Model, which provides a framework for understanding how the bereaved switch between coping with loss and evading the loss. The idea is that we move back and forth between the two as we grieve:

Coping with the Loss:

• Managing the grief one experiences
• Feeling the loss in daily life
• Adjusting to the different bond with your loved one

Evading the Loss (Restoration):

• Developing coping skills for new challenges
• Managing new tasks and responsibilities
• Focusing on rebuilding and moving forward

A Better Metaphor: The Spiral Staircase

When I talk about grieving with clients, my favourite metaphor to use is that grieving is more like a spiral staircase, in which you move up and down the staircase depending on the day, the week, the month or the year.

Why This Metaphor Works

The spiral staircase represents:

• How non-linear the process is
• How one day you may feel angry, but the next day you might feel numb
• The ongoing nature of adjustment and healing

While you are on the staircase, you are also:

• Adjusting to the loss
• Adjusting to the changes that come with the loss in your daily life
• Figuring out how to continue a bond with your loved one

It's a lot to contend with all at once, especially in acute grief. When we view the grieving process from this lens, we can see how it doesn't fit into neat linear stages.

The Key Takeaway

If you take anything from this, it is that grief doesn't follow linear stages and instead, it is an ever-changing process that is different for everyone.

Grieving is hard enough as it is, and having unnecessary expectations and judgments about what your grief "should" look like only adds to the challenges of grieving.

Finding Support for Your Grief Journey

If you are looking for support in your grief journey, I offer grief and loss counselling in Kelowna, British Columbia. Reach out today if you are curious about working together.

Book a complimentary consultation here.

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Disclaimer: All blog posts are for educational purposes only. The information provided is not meant as a substitute for counselling.