Boundaries and People-Pleasing Counselling in Kelowna and Online
For the resentment that builds when you keep saying yes, and the guilt that arrives the moment you stop. In person in Kelowna and West Kelowna, and virtually anywhere in British Columbia.
People rarely book a session because they want to work on boundaries. They book because they are tired, or because they said yes to something and spent the next three days furious about it, or because a relationship has started to feel like a job.
Underneath most of that is the same thing. Somewhere along the way you learned that other people’s comfort was your responsibility, and you got good at it. The skill is real. The cost is that your own preferences went quiet, and now they are hard to locate even when someone asks you directly.
I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor with a Masters in Counselling Psychology, registered with the BCACC, with training in Somatic Experiencing.
What this work covers
People-pleasing and the resentment that comes with it. Boundaries you cannot set, or set once and then apologize for. Over-apologizing and the reflex to make yourself smaller. Low self-esteem, which usually turns out to be the same pattern viewed from a different angle rather than a separate problem.
Also the relational patterns underneath. Anxious and avoidant attachment. Trust that has not recovered from something. Family dynamics that were set long before you had any say in them, and the particular difficulty of setting a limit with a parent.
I work with individuals rather than couples. A lot of relational change starts with one person getting clearer, and it does not require the other person to be in the room.
How I work
Scripts are useful and I will happily give you some. They are also not the hard part. The hard part is the feeling that arrives when you use one, which is usually guilt strong enough to make you take it back within the hour.
So we work on the feeling as well as the words. My Somatic Experiencing training matters here, because the guilt is not really an argument you can win in your head. It shows up in the body first. Learning to stay steady through it is what makes a boundary hold.
My style is warm, conversational, and direct when directness helps. Clients often tell me it feels like talking to someone who gets it, which is most of what I am going for.
What a first session is like
We start with a free 15-minute consultation so you can work out whether I am the right fit.
In a first full session I will ask what has been happening and what you would like to be different. If you do not know what you want yet, that is a legitimate starting point and quite a common one for this particular kind of work.
For a general picture, here is what to expect in a first therapy session.
In person in Kelowna, or online anywhere in BC
In-person sessions run in Kelowna and West Kelowna, and virtual sessions are available anywhere in British Columbia. Booking and current rates are on Jane, and here is what counselling costs in BC if that is part of the decision.
Reading while you decide
If you are trying to start setting boundaries
- How to set healthy boundaries without the guilt
- Emotional boundaries and why they are so hard to keep
- Boundary phrases that actually work
If the pattern is people-pleasing
If it is showing up in your relationships
- Anxious attachment and why you feel this way
- Avoidant attachment and why closeness feels like pressure
- Trust issues, where they come from and how they change
- What stonewalling really means
- Intergenerational trauma and how family patterns pass down
Common questions
Is people-pleasing actually a therapy issue?
It is when it is costing you. People-pleasing is usually a strategy that worked at some point, often in a household where keeping other people comfortable was the safest available option. The problem is that it keeps running long after the situation changed, and it tends to arrive with exhaustion, resentment, and a fairly shaky sense of what you actually want.
Why do boundaries feel mean when I try to set them?
Because if you learned early that your job was to manage other people’s feelings, then declining to do that registers internally as harm. The guilt is not evidence that the boundary is wrong. It is usually evidence that the boundary is new. A lot of this work is learning to tolerate that feeling long enough for it to stop being decisive.
Do you work with attachment styles?
Yes, though I treat them as a useful description rather than a fixed category you are stuck inside. Anxious and avoidant patterns both make a great deal of sense once you know what they were adapted to. What matters more than the label is what happens in your actual relationships and what you would like to be different.
Is this the same as self-esteem counselling?
They overlap heavily, which is why I treat them as one piece of work rather than two. Difficulty setting boundaries, over-apologizing, people-pleasing, and low self-esteem tend to be the same underlying pattern showing up in different rooms. Working on one usually moves the others.
Can I come on my own if the problem is a relationship?
Yes, and most of my clients do. I work with individuals rather than couples. Plenty of relational change starts with one person getting clearer about what they want and better at saying it, and that work does not require the other person to be in the room or even to be on board.
Do you offer this virtually across British Columbia?
Yes. In person in Kelowna and West Kelowna, and virtually anywhere in BC. Sessions are the same work either way.
Saying no is a skill, and it can be learned late.
A free 15-minute consultation is a low-stakes way to find out whether we are a fit. In person in Kelowna and West Kelowna, or online anywhere in British Columbia.
Book a consultation